it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
