I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
