the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Need sex. Gaining weight.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
