Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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