I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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