Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
