I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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