So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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