i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Come see our sink grown plant.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
