the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
