Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
