Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
