rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
