3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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