so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
