Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
