Just cropdusted the office
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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