there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
