brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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