I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
