You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
