Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
