got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
