I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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