mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
