Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
