I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
