omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
