Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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