That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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