One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
