Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think my fart just growled at me.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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