Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
