Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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