if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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