I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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