True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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