My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
