Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
