Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
