Sacagawea was the original milf.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
