i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
