you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
