I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The adults are the big ones right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
