i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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