I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
