Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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