im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
