My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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