i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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