Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
