I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
