just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
