It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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