I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
