Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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