God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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